Pornography addiction
What was the message surrounding pornography in your household when you were growing up? This topic, more than so many others, can conjure up shame, not just for the people battling with a daily addiction, but for those impacted by the fallout of being in a relationship with someone who has a porn addiction.
Let’s be frank, porn is a part of everyday life for many people and can be viewed as a source of enjoyment, either as something one does alone or as part of a couple or a group. Many people use it regularly without issue, and some couples regard it as an essential part of a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
But there is a darker side to this type of stimulation.
Porn can be incredibly addictive.
Pornography can become a way to self soothe, trapping someone into an addictive cycle of needing more stimulation; often to gain the respite they need from daily struggles with life and emotional overwhelm.
Therapy can be extremely helpful for people with a porn addiction. It works to identify triggers and develop healthier coping strategies, overtime rewiring the brain, as healthier alternatives to coping are used to replace the old cycle of using porn. Alongside this, the underlying causes are addressed with the therapist, for example anxiety or low self-esteem. These issues are worked on in a safe environment, always without judgement and shame, helping individuals learn how to develop healthier ways to resist sexual urges.
Working with couples
Therapy also helps couples to unpick a world dominated by pornography, repairing the damage caused by the addiction.
I have found that my work alongside those living with partners addicted to porn involves working through a huge sense of betrayal trauma. They are not addicted themselves and yet the impact is felt so acutely. Like many forms of relational trauma, betrayal trauma affects the nervous system in powerful ways. People describe hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, shock, sadness, grief, loss of self-esteem, disruption to sleep and a deep sense of disorientation. The body remains on alert, scanning for further signs of danger or deception.
One of the questions I am often asked when working with partners of people with a porn addiction is:
“How do we create deep intimacy with someone while attention and desire are directed elsewhere?”.
In my clinical experience, approaches like psychotherapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be very helpful for people recovering from this type of betrayal trauma, allowing clients to work through difficult questions relating to intimacy, how the relationship has been impacted by porn and how to process the powerful emotions that arise as a consequence of those debilitating relationship challenges fuelled by porn addiction.
In my clinic, I work with clients to build a foundation of safety, ensuring they can safely regulate emotions before beginning treatment. EMDR is hugely beneficial in helping people process and desensitise distressing memories so that they lack the same emotional charge. The memories remain, but they no longer dominate the nervous system in the same way.
Alongside EMDR, psychotherapy helps reduce shame as people often blame themselves when a partner turns to porn, chastising themselves for ‘not being enough’. Understanding, awareness and compassion are vital for moving forward, either towards mending a broken relationship or to find a fresh start with renewed hope and energy.
Whilst society has evolved and there is greater understanding and compassion in relation to the dangers of pornography, recent statistics show that 73% of teenagers have viewed porn and that one in three videos show sexual violence or aggression (https://fightthenewdrug.org/).
Porn is still deeply embedded into our culture and the associated risks for some who choose to access it, cannot be denied. Addiction and betrayal are devastating. I would like to offer hope to anyone reading this who is struggling with a pornography addiction or knows someone who is. When betrayal disrupts a relational bond or addiction takes hold, the impact can ripple through every part of a person’s inner world; however, with time, compassionate support and the right therapeutic approach, healing is possible.
If you need further information on pornography addiction, please visit https://fightthenewdrug.org/.
For more information on therapy please email me directly on luscombejulie6@gmail.com or call me on 07703850840.